I got typing this the other night and its more a ramble. Since I finished it, I figure I'll post it. Eh.

KILLER MICROWAVES

Now that it'a common Public Health knowledge that secondhand smoke has the mystical property of "seeping through walls" like some magical spectre, I want to propose another oh so very extremely important issue that affects all of us: Microwave Ovens.

Today, I was at work, standing in the breakroom warming my cofffee, and it suddenly occurred to me; I'm being exposed to Nuclear Radiation!

If secondhand smoke can "seep through walls" than microwaves must be emitting high levels of cancer causing radiation into my body while I stand there tapping my toe waiting for my coffee to heat! If a solid wall can't protect me from smoke, than what's a microwave to protect me from radiation?

Also, since we know that smell is now a test for deadliness, I can certainly smell whatever is cooking in the microwave. If I can smell the food cooking inside, then surely the infintesimally small nuclear particles must be escaping as well. And as we all know, smelling something now means full exposure, as if you were in the microwave yourself!

So, for any Neo-Communists or trial lawyers looking in, please follow these steps:

First, please please use the right words with the most negative connotation. These are THE FEAR WORDS. These include: "Nuclear", "Atomic", "Radiation", "Deadly", "Killer" (as in "Killer Radiation"), "Permanent" (as in "permanent damage"), "Kill", "Deadly", "Threat", "Hazard"(As is "Serious Health Hazard"), "Cancer causing" ("causing" is very important), and "toxic".

Second, invoke protecting children. (I'd also like to suggest puppies and kittens, but children will do for now). Say things like "Every time you use your microwave, you're slowly killing your children." Children are very useful to us because everyone thinks children are adorable, and they make great television once we get the televised campaign rolling. If you invoke children via the popular media and suggest that making children wear an aluminum suit will reduce their risk of disease, you'll see a large percentage of children wearing aluminum suits because parents are heavily invested in being responsible for their children, and will make every symbolic effort to show to others that they are, in fact, good parents. (Don't mention that we have a financial interest in aluminum suit manufacture). This was well evidenced by the "children on a leash" phenomena that took place years ago.

Third, use these ideas to get funding for a study. Now, as we've established, we want to protect people from nuclear, atomic, child-killing, deadly, killer radiation, so keep this in mind when you conduct the study. I recommend a questionaire method regarding exposure to microwaves. Ask questions like "Do you own a microwave?" Also, ask people to recollect how close they stood to the microwave while it was running. Use a graded method by percentage. For example:

Over the past ten years, how close have you been to your microwave while it was operating?

A) I usually stand very close to the microwave.
B) I usually stand within five feet of the microwave.
C) I usually stand five feet or more away from the microwave.

How often have you used your microwave over the past ten years:

A) Everyday
B) Every other day
C) Once a week
D) Who the Hell knows? Who the Hell could answer such a question and consider ten years? (NOTE: OMIT OPTION "D".)

CUT TO 5 YEARS LATER: STUDY RESULTS COME IN.

CONCLUSION: OWNING A MICROWAVE ADDS FIVE YEARS TO YOUR LIFE.

DAMN IT! We forgot to consider the fact that the poor, who tend to live shorter lives for all kinds of reasons, also tend to have fewer microwaves because they can't afford
them!

We're out of business. Let's do an income adjusted study! We'll explain why our results were thrown off! Anyone could reasonably understand. Just scrap the previous study. It didn't show any significant results. PLEASE NOTE: IF A STUDY DOES NOT SHOW HARM, THEN THERE IS NO MONEY IN THAT STUDY.

Never fear! He who controls the language controls the debate! We have SCARY WORDS!(Previously mentioned). Use them over and over and over again. Remember, people who disagree with you simply disagree with you because they have no regard for anyone but themselves. If they can't understand the words "Deadly" and "Killer", they must be either dumb or have no consideration for life. Us? We know the meaning of these words and we're conscientious and intellectual. People who understand the infinite intricacies of business are dummies! After all, we're doing "studies". The rest of these people don't care about anything but money and personal gratification (and, never mentioned, their friends, their family, their society, their productive role in it, their government, their neighbor, their friend). Well, screw them! Those selfish bastards! Make them feel guilty! Remember the fear words!

Let's do another study. This time, we'll exclude the poor, non-microwave owning population and concentrate on only the wealthy and those who own microwaves.

CUT TO 5 YEARS LATER: STUDY RESULTS COME IN.

CONCLUSION: OWNING A MICROWAVE CUTS FIVE YEARS FROM YOUR LIFE.

Nevermind that those who tend to use their microwave alot tend to be less wealthy than the really wealthy. Nevermind that they probably have more stressed filled lives and eat lesser diets that really more on microwave cooking. Nevermind the content of the food that's cooked in microwaves. It's the microwave RADIATION! Also, nevermind that we've been emphasizing our "killer microwaves" point on a daily basis to those conducting the study. It's the microwave RADIATION!

Let's hit the media!

HEADLINE: MICROWAVES KILL! OWNING A MICROWAVE TAKES FIVE YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE!

(NOTE: You are now the leading authority because YOU conducted the study. USE THE FEAR WORDS when interviewed by the media! They'll catch on!)

Spread the word around!!!

Now, study in hand, let's head to court to sue those microwave making bastards! Those shameless profiteers! It's a jury trial, but we have the study, and boy oh boy, will we ever use THE FEAR WORDS.

Once we win, money in hand, we'll do some more suing. I'll start a private Health Foundation. I'll pay myself an awesome salary as head of the foundation.

What about all that damage done by microwaves over the decades? Even more lawsuits.

I've noticed that if you stand close to many microwaves, you can even feel a slight breeze blowing on you! Oh Baby. We can make a "killing" on this one.

'Using your microwave is like exposing your children to ground zero at Chernobyl. Please...think of your children, and stop being so lazy and selfish'

There's one the antis can kick off their "I hate microwaves because they're represenative of the free market's ingenuity" theme.